The failing light of the afternoon.

And I should really do something about that. Writing has always been a necessary means of escape for me, but lately things have been so wonderful that escape hasn’t been necessary. Instead it has been replaced with feelings of renewed vigor and hopeful, positive thoughts for the future. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, and considering there are dark clouds on the horizon regarding family matters, it is surprising that I can overlook this for now and concentrate on how I feel at this very moment. For the first time in my life I feel like things are truly on track. I am enrolled in a program that challenges me and I am learning so much from professionals that I admire. NYU has surpassed my wildest dreams for what it would be like. I absolutely adore living in the village and even though I will likely be relocating after the Spring semester ends, I am grateful for every day I get to spend here. I’ve made some pretty great friends and look forward to building more relationships with the other students in my program as the semester/years go on. I’ve been able to spend quality time in Manhattan with my best friends and family, and am lucky enough to be able to hop on a train and be home in less than two hours. I miss my dog more than words can say, but I see him every few weeks so that helps a bit. Overall, I am just happy. Really and truly happy. 

A decade. 1/10th of a century. A mere blip of time since the unspeakable acts of pure hatred were enacted on innocent citizens in America. It feels so strange to know that ten years have come and gone since that tragic day, especially when the effects are lasting and permanent to all who were involved. 

I remember being in my 7th grade technology class on Long Island and sensing something pivotal had happened based on the expression on my teacher’s face. I remember our teacher was silent for a few moments in a desperate attempt to get a firm grasp on his words and stop the wavering in his voice as to not frighten us any more than necessary. I remember his words were shaky and his voice filled with raw emotion as he explained the situation that was taking place right at this moment. I remember the creeping sense of shock that overtook myself and my classmates. I remember our teacher wheeling in a television so we could see for ourselves what was happening to a city that was so close to home, a city that many of us connected so deeply with. I remember the panic on the faces of classmates who had family or friends who lived, worked, or just happened to be in NYC that day. I remember the announcements over the loud speaker to remain calm, strong, and above all, to pray for those people who were murdered today. I remember the physical reaction we all had to the word murder. I remember feeling numb as I walked to and from classes for the remainder of the day. I remember feeling first terror, then relief when I remembered that my father was not working in the city as he should have been that day. I remember feeling terrified of the possibility of more attacks and seeing the same terror reflected in the eyes of my peers. I remember being a child who had to see senseless acts of violence and horror and trying desperately to understand why this was happening. I remember coming home and crying with my mother. I remember sitting on the couch in my living room and watching the news reports with updated images and accounts of the situation in NYC and Washington. I remember nightmares filled with smoke and the terrorized and ashen faces of civilians in the city. I remember waking up and seeing flag after flag after flag outside each house on my way to school; the sheer amount of red, white and blue bled together into one single image. I remember talking about what had happened and the teacher’s monitoring our reactions to the situation. I remember trying to make sense of a senseless act. I remember it all. I’ll always remember September 11th, 2001.

Even though today is a day to remember those who lost their lives on that grave day, it is also a day to celebrate life and the strength that our country has shown in the light of such devastation. I’ve never been so proud to be a New Yorker and to be living in this amazing city filled with strong, courageous people. Remembering that day ten years ago that changed everything.

I am a NYC resident! Yesterday my parents and brother helped me move into the graduate residence hall and got me settled in the apartment. Although the room is a bit dated it has tons of space and storage which is perfect. I spent the day setting up my area of the room, shopping with my mom for last minute additions and familiarizing myself with the area after saying goodbye to my family. I absolutely love this part of the city. I’m right outside Washington Square Park and Union Square is a five minute walk up the road. There are a ton of really cool and quirky restaurants/bars that I’m dying to try out. Tonight is a graduate happy hour social at a local bar that I’m going to check out with my roommate. I’m really looking forward to meeting some more students who live in the dorms and hopefully I’ll click with some people and won’t be dependent on my roommate. She’s cool and all, but I can’t picture us being really great friends and would like to get to know some other people.

I’m heading home on Thursday to have my wisdom teeth removed and I am still so fucking pissed that I need to have this procedure done so close to the start of classes. It will be nice to see my friends and family over the weekend and relax at home and tell them all about how things are going in the city. Then it’s back to school on Monday to get ready for the start of classes! Things are so good right now and I can’t wait to see how the semester goes! 

I am finally going to upload some of the pictures from my trip to London and Paris. I’ve been so excited to share these photos with you guys and have them up on my blog so pardon my excitement.

I’ve been home for exactly one week and I still can’t find the words to describe my trip. It was without question the single best week of my life. I’ll be sure to post an incredibly long, drawn out post describing the amazing cities I visited, the people I met and the incredible, life-changing time I had. I also took hundreds of pictures so there’s that too.

In other news, I was approved for housing at NYU so now I don’t have to worry about not having a place to live, so that’s pretty awesome. I can’t wait to find out exactly where in Greenwich Village I’ll be living and who my roommates are going to be! 

Today is Father’s Day and I’m taking my Dad out with my brother and sister to lunch. I hate how forced and difficult outings like this are. Maybe when there is some distance I’ll be able to have a slightly normal relationship with him. Here’s to hoping. 

I’m leaving for London in a little bit! I honestly never thought this day would actually come. I can’t even put what I’m feeling into words but I’m sure I’ll have a lot to write about when I get back! 

This is what it has all come down to. Twenty-something years of dreaming and over a year of planning and I will be living this in only a few days’ time. How is that even possible? I keep asking myself this question over and over and I still cannot come up with an adequate answer. I’ve dreamed of walking the streets of London for as long as I can remember, and the realization that I will be arriving in Heathrow airport at six a.m. Saturday morning still shocks me. I’m beyond anxious and feel like I may buckle at the knees at any second. I’ve been dreaming of the day that I would board a plane and travel to far-away places that have only ever existed in my imagination. This week I will finally see the sights of London and Paris for the first time. I’ve never been more grateful for any opportunity in my entire life.

This is happening. It is really happening and I couldn’t be more thrilled.

The weather is so beautiful today. It finally feels like Spring on Long Island and I couldn’t be happier. This morning we helped my mom make a big Sunday breakfast. We tried out a new recipe from the cookbook I bought for her birthday in April and made the most delicious apple cinnamon pancakes. After devouring everything on our plates and cleaning up the mess we made in the kitchen, it was time for presents! 

• I burned her a copy of Adele’s new album because I can’t stop raving about it and my obsession with her songs got her interested. I recommend this album to anyone because it is just pure perfection. There’s nothing else to say but that.
• I also made her a mixed CD of all of her favorites, plus a few new songs that I think she’d like. I took a bit of a risk and included two songs from Glee but I think she’ll enjoy them. How can you now when it is Rolling in the Deep by Lea Michele and Jonathan Groff and Bohemian Rhapsody by Jonathan Groff. So. Good.
• Lastly, my mother instilled in me my love for reading and I always try to look for new books that I think she’d enjoy. She loves Anna Quindlen and her new book, Every Last One, has gotten really good reviews. I also picked up a copy of Mildred Pierce because the story seems really interesting and she had been talking about the HBO miniseries.

Now we’re going to head out to the cemetery in Calverton to visit grandma. I know today is hard for my mom because it’s the first Mother’s Day since my grandmother passed away last year. She seems to be holding up pretty well but I can’t imagine how she’s feeling. My biggest fear is losing the people close to me, especially my mom. I can’t even think about that.

After dinner tonight I’m taking her to the movies to see Something Borrowed as the last part of her gift. Hopefully the movie won’t be too bad (it has John Krasinski in it so that’s enough for me) because it has been getting really terrible reviews. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful Mother’s Day.

I haven’t written a text post in so long. Everything in my life is so crazy at the moment and I’ve been feeling so many different emotions that it has been pretty difficult to sit down and put those feelings into words. 

I’m going to be starting graduate school in the Fall at NYU to study publishing. I decided that instead of commuting like I had done for undergrad, I should just move to the city and really devote myself to school and make the most out of the next two years. I cannot even begin to explain my excitement, but I still have these nerves flowing through me about such a drastic life change. I’m the type of person that has always had a hard time with change. I’ve always greeted big milestones with anticipation and an undeniable nervousness that things are changing too rapidly and for a second I just that time would just slow down and prolong this moment. In order to keep my nerves in check I’ve been focusing solely on the tasks that need to be done as far as school-related things are concerned. I still have a few months to work and save as much money as possible before I leave. All I really have to do is figure out my housing arrangement (hopefully I’ll be accepted for housing in the grad dorms and won’t have to worry about finding roommates, an apartment and an entire apartment’s worth of furniture right away).  I’ve also never lived with anyone besides my immediate family and the thought of living with strangers makes me a bit uncomfortable, but at the same time I’m looking forward to meeting new people and making friends in a new city.

Other than focusing on preparing for school in the fall, I only have four weeks left until I go on my trip to London and Paris with my best friend. I cannot believe how fast these past few months have flown by and how we’ll be flying overseas in a few weeks. How crazy is that? Excitement doesn’t even cover what I’m feeling in anticipation of this trip. I’ve dreamed of traveling to London my whole life and I’ll be there next month. NEXT MONTH. I can’t even wrap my head around it yet. I’ve started compiling a list of all the places I want to see and I’ve bought more clothes than any person should ever purchase. I just can’t wait to escape for ten days and explore the places that I’ve only ever dreamed about visiting.

I’m pretty lucky. This year has been good to me and is full of a truckload of exciting new adventures. That’s not to say that everything is rainbows and kittens because there are things going on in my personal life right now that I can’t even talk about without crying at mere mention. I know that I need to separate myself from certain people and grow as an individual in order to be able to handle this. I know that it is probably selfish of me to be shutting down and turning my back on the situation, but I want to hold onto this excitement and happiness just a little while longer. 

I’ve felt this instinctive need to write lately, but every time I would sit down with my notebook or begin to start a new blog post I would lose my train of thought, or inspiration, or any last bit of desire which ignited the need in the first place. I know I’ve posted an entry not too long ago describing the same feeling, but that was weeks ago and the feeling still wouldn’t budge. I’m not quite sure what has changed, or how long this desire to express myself will last, but I am so glad that I can finally find the words to articulate how I feel.

The stray strands of my life which came undone a few weeks ago are beginning to find their way back. I feel like things are beginning to look up. My mother is laughing a little more and the sadness that has been hiding behind her eyes and in the corner of her smile is fading a tiny bit each day. I still find it difficult to completely understand what she must be going through after the death of my grandmother because each time I think of the possibility, the inevitability of losing her, my head begins to spin and I can’t catch my breath. She is my rock; the one solid point in my life. No matter what “friends” have walked in and out of my life, no matter what irreparable damage my father’s warped way of living has left on me, I know that my mother will always stand with me, love me and be there for me.

My office is carrying on after the sudden death of our editor-in-chief, and even though each day still feels dreamlike in a way because it just doesn’t seem possible that he is really gone, we’re moving ahead and keeping the company alive in his honor. And even though I’m working longer hours and taking on more than I can chew, I’ll take it all without complaint because as long as I remain an employee at his company I will do right by him. It’s the least I can do for all he taught me.

On that note, Christmastime is upon us and the unmistakable feeling that creeps up on you this time of year has helped me tremendously. There is just something about the crispness in the air that seems to help remove any aura of negativity which has been lingering around me. I’m concentrating on wholeheartedly throwing myself into the normal Christmas traditions of shopping, baking, wrapping and spending time with my loved ones. I hope these genuine feelings of anticipation and joy will last long after the holiday season has come to an end because for the first time in what feels like the longest time I can take a deep breath and know that things are looking up.

I feel this deep and impermeable need to put my fingers to keys and purge myself of all this pent up emotion which threatens to spill over at any second, but the words wont come. I can’t find the proper way to explain in any sort of detail how it feels to lose a member of your family with which you didn’t share a particularly close bond, but yet you still ache over the loss of someone loved and meaningful in your life. I can’t find the words needed to break down the wall my mother has built up in order to deal with the grief of losing her mother in solitude. I just want her to know that I am here for her, completely and always. I wish she didn’t feel like she has to suffer in silence in order to remain the ever-strong pillar of support for everyone else. The loss of my grandmother, and the affect it has had on my mother and her siblings, has made me acutely aware of how much I depend on my mother for almost everything and how I cannot imagine for one second not having her in my life. The mere thought leaves me on the verge of a panic attack.