I’ve felt this instinctive need to write lately, but every time I would sit down with my notebook or begin to start a new blog post I would lose my train of thought, or inspiration, or any last bit of desire which ignited the need in the first place. I know I’ve posted an entry not too long ago describing the same feeling, but that was weeks ago and the feeling still wouldn’t budge. I’m not quite sure what has changed, or how long this desire to express myself will last, but I am so glad that I can finally find the words to articulate how I feel.
The stray strands of my life which came undone a few weeks ago are beginning to find their way back. I feel like things are beginning to look up. My mother is laughing a little more and the sadness that has been hiding behind her eyes and in the corner of her smile is fading a tiny bit each day. I still find it difficult to completely understand what she must be going through after the death of my grandmother because each time I think of the possibility, the inevitability of losing her, my head begins to spin and I can’t catch my breath. She is my rock; the one solid point in my life. No matter what “friends” have walked in and out of my life, no matter what irreparable damage my father’s warped way of living has left on me, I know that my mother will always stand with me, love me and be there for me.
My office is carrying on after the sudden death of our editor-in-chief, and even though each day still feels dreamlike in a way because it just doesn’t seem possible that he is really gone, we’re moving ahead and keeping the company alive in his honor. And even though I’m working longer hours and taking on more than I can chew, I’ll take it all without complaint because as long as I remain an employee at his company I will do right by him. It’s the least I can do for all he taught me.
On that note, Christmastime is upon us and the unmistakable feeling that creeps up on you this time of year has helped me tremendously. There is just something about the crispness in the air that seems to help remove any aura of negativity which has been lingering around me. I’m concentrating on wholeheartedly throwing myself into the normal Christmas traditions of shopping, baking, wrapping and spending time with my loved ones. I hope these genuine feelings of anticipation and joy will last long after the holiday season has come to an end because for the first time in what feels like the longest time I can take a deep breath and know that things are looking up.
